Spice, as you all know, is the secret recipe to any good dish. A good amount of it brings out the flavor — the zing — that everybody wants to taste. When it comes to relationship, good amount of fighting also brings couple closer to each other.
Fighting brings the excitement that is important in killing the monotony of a couple’s sugary routine. It also provides an opportunity for the couple to voice out each other’s opposing points of view then to hopefully arrive at a resolution.
Dr. Stan Tatkin, in his book “Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship” (January 2012, New Harbinger), says that couples should not repress their desire to argue because the human brain is really wired for war. Instead of avoiding conflict and argument, couples must learn to engage in smart fights.
When partners learn to “fight well’’ – that is, fighting without determining a loser – they become happier and more secure in each other’s company.
There are four ways to fight well:
1. Love your enemy.
Apparently, your “enemy” here is your partner. You may want to argue with him but that doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly with him. While expressing your opinions (maybe with matching hand gestures and all), remain considerate of his feelings. Be wary of the tone and volume of your voice. Do not throw away the term of endearment and the genuine smile. This way, you’re more likely to achieve a friendly discussion instead of a heated argument.
2. Speak up, and then shut up.
As much as possible, keep your arguments short and sweet. Do not dig into old issues to support your claim because that could only lengthen the argument to unproductive ends and could bring up old wounds. Rather, condense your bottom-line point to a short sentence.
According to Dr. Tatkin, the left brain is wired to be highly verbal and logical. It has the power to process detailed information into arguments. Sometimes, it can sort out the information to arrive at a settlement. Other times, the processing of information only produces useless blather. When you notice that both you and your partner are only blabbering over old issues, STOP. It’s time to wave that white flag of friendliness.
3. Play while you fight.
A good fight is actually within the couple’s play zone. You may be wrestling hard with your partner’s idea but when there’s the spirit of play, the argument is also but a form of play that both engage you, allows you and your partner to have fun and fool around, and teach you new ideas. A fight can even be a form of foreplay, says Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
4. Argue with your partner in person.
It is very important for a couple to read each other’s mind while fighting. And the couple can only do this in relatively close proximity, when they can see each other’s eyes and (hopefully) read a thousand unspoken words from there. When a distress couple has issues, they tend to look away from each other, avoiding each other’s gaze, evading emotion. When partners are not face-to-face and eye-to-eye when fighting, they cannot read each other’s mind. Thus, they easily lost the track to each other’s point of view. This is the same reason why “personal talks” are often discussed face to face, not over the phone or via emails and online chats.
