Relationships

The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies

Everything you ever needed to know about your own fantasies, and how to convey them.

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Open and honest communication is one of the keys to a satisfying sex life—but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to do. It can be embarrassing and nerve-racking to tell your partner what you really want, especially if the relationship is just a casual one. But the rewards are worth the temporary awkwardness, so I’ll help you get there.

The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies

Go ahead – tell him your sexual fantasies…

Defining Needs, Desires, and Fantasies

The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies

Craving a threesome?

Before you can express what you want, it’s important to understand the difference between these three concepts. Here’s how I see it… A sexual need is a physical or psychological requirement for your well-being. This can include the needs for security and affection as well as sexual release on a physical level. A sexual desire is something you wish or hope for but are able to live without, such as an emotional connection with your partner or having sex more often. Finally, a sexual fantasy is a mental image or scenario that turns you on but isn’t necessarily something you’d want to go through with in real life.

HOT TIP: On a piece of paper, make three columns labeled “needs,” “desires,” and “fantasies,” and fill in each one. You’ll have a clearer idea of what you want and need, which will help when it comes time to open up to your partner.

 

When to Tell Him Your Fantasies

People often ask me, “How long into a relationship should I wait before telling my partner about my needs/desires/fantasies?” Every situation and relationship is different, but here’s a general guideline. Your basic needs should be met from the first encounter—including one-night stands.

The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies

Want to get kinky?

If you’re having sex with someone, you absolutely deserve to feel safe and secure. And if you need some kissing or cuddling to enjoy a sexual encounter, then by all means express that need. This isn’t a business transaction; it’s the most intimate human activity, so don’t be embarrassed. If your partner can’t fulfill your basic needs, you should find someone else to have sex with.

Sexual desires can be expressed in the early stages of a casual or long-term sexual relationship. Within the first few weeks, you should be able to tell your partner that it’s hard for you to achieve orgasm in the missionary position or that having your neck kissed turns you on. As the relationship progresses, you should be able to openly express all your sexual desires to your partner, even if it means telling him that his technique doesn’t work for you or that you aren’t satisfied with how often you have sex.

The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies

You don’t just have to do what pleases him

As for your deepest, darkest fantasies, you might need to wait a little longer to let them out into the open. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing about kinky or unusual scenarios, but it’s possible that your partner will be surprised or even shocked and won’t understand or accept them right away. So it’s usually best to build a solid foundation for the relationship before pulling out the big guns.

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Sabrina is the author of 'A Fantastic Sex Life… And How to Get It!' Her work has been published in numerous print magazines and websites, including Women’s Fitness, Men’s Fitness, Men’s Health, AskMen.com, Good Health, Australian Women’s Weekly, body+soul, Runner’s World, Kidspot, ninemsn Health & Wellbeing, FHM (monthly “Ask Sabrina” column), MAXIM, Ralph, Eat Fit and ZOO Weekly.

Reader Discussion: 132 Comments

  1. Jimmie

    I think one of the biggest fantasies women have is to have a man that can and will communicate with her on a physical level on an emotional level and know how to make her feel loved and heard. It seems like today very few men know how to do just that.

  2. Jimmie

    Move on not mature enough

  3. My fantasy is to have a nice lady in the middle of a lake floating on a air bed oiling her down from head to toe to make sure she does not get a sunburn. And then she returns the favor. Of course we cannot have Tan Lines clothes are forbidden. And we can work the oil into each other. You can use your imagination for the rest

  4. If you want some good advice to this goes both this is for both ways men and women. You have to teach your mate what you what and how you like it. Don’t be afraid to speak up and tell them exactly what you want and how to do it if you do not do this your sexual life will never be fulfilled never fake it EVER!!! If you fake it you are doing a disservice to yourself

  5. One of the many things I enjoy very much. Is the art of cunnilingus, I am like a person on crack when it comes to cunnilingus and I’m looking for a woman that can be my cunnilingus dealer anytime I want it.

  6. To anyone that may be confused about fantasies. Fantasies are a good way to bond with your partner as long as they’re consensual. They will help you build a deeper understanding of each other and it builds trust. They are very normal everybody has them. But only the bold lovers fulfill them.

  7. As a prior commenter to the column. I will tell you about another adventure that I experienced. I was at a local bar celebrating a friends birthday party. I started talking to this voluptuous beautiful lady. After a few drinks we decided to leave the boring party. After talking about many things that interested us and different experiences that we’ve had it was already dark so we decided to drive to the lake. It was very cold so she decided to go swimming very unusual lady but I could tell she loved the water she wanted this to be a fantasy moment, she took her clothes off and waited out until she was in water about wast deep. I could see her big breast glistening in the moonlight from the water dripping off them. I was very reluctant about going in the freezing water but I ventured out anyway. She knew that I could not get a hard-on in this freezing water. And I believe she did that on purpose. Because she wanted to see what I could do. I made my way out to her and the freezing water. About that time a park ranger walked up and shined his flashlight right up on us and told us to come out of the water. After coming up out of the water we both grabbed our clothes and got dressed. The park ranger asked us what we was doing there I just simply said we wanted to take a swim and we didn’t have our swimsuits. He then replied I’m going to run a background check on it both of you if either one of you have anything on you I’m taking both of you in. I looked at her not even knowing what her first name was and I asked her if she had anything on her any outstanding warrants she said no nothing and I said I don’t either the park ranger found nothing on either one and told us to leave the park so we did what a crazy night one I will always remember.

  8. Let me share one experience I was young I was 20 years old. Still living at home looking for my own place. Wanting to go to college but do not have the money working on tuition. I was still having fun going to local parties with my high school friends. And one of the parties I met a really nice high energy very charismatic young lady. After conversing for a while we decided the party was too boring. So we decided to take a drive and see if we could find something more exciting. We wound up going to the city park were they also had a public pool it was closed but the gate was unlocked I tried to talk her into going for a Moonlight swim. But the water was very chilly so we decided not to. So we’ve started to walk around the park and we reached the back side of the park where we could see the road and parking lot. We sat down on the backside of the Hill. And begin to talk it was kind of chilly out so we’ve set very close to each other. We were touching from our knees all the way up to our lips we was sharing body heat. As things progressed. I casually mentioned her other set of lips must be getting jealous. We cannot have that. After a few more minutes of delicate touches and warm lips . She help me remove her pants allowing me to massage and caress the rest of her beautiful body. Starting to get excited very excited. As her body began to tremble the police drove up in a parking lot. We were laying low all the backside of a small hill barely out of sight. I quickly right up leaves to cover the top of her head where if they searched they would not see us if we were lucky. They looked all around the pool area that could not see anything how about that time one of them started walking out to the park. I was in full motion licking her clitoris. She was in such ecstasy say she could not hardly be quiet. I whispered in her ear the police are here looking around at that time she looked up and seen a flash light scanning in the woods just over our heads. I wanted to give her a orgasm. I refuse to quit i put my hand over her mouth and I whispered in her ear to be very still and don’t make a sound. I continued arousing her in her fear and excitement . Than her body began to shake very hard and I can hear her straining with everything she had trying not to make a sound watching her body quiver is she clenched her fists trying to be quiet. Police officer scanned one last time did not see anything returning to his patrol car they drove away. I removed my hand and I gave her the satisfaction she’s so craved. Ever since that night I knew I had a gift and I have been enjoying it ever since I’m still looking to have fun I never did get married but now I’m in a place in life where I can have fun and enjoy the people that I’m with I can’t but I only speculate and wonder if she has had a good life I may have missed my one true love I don’t know . But what I really want out of life is just one good woman that I can love with all of my might. Still looking…..True story

  9. Tracey Pierce

    It’s true. It’s okay to tell your partner about your fantasies, but there are things that you shouldn’t tell them. If you know that your fantasy involves another character, make it a secret because it might hurt your partner.

  10. Marie Hunt

    I have an open mind, but sometimes, it’s hard to accept what they are wishing. IT takes time, especially if you know that your wish is hard to give. ?

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