The Complete Guide: Your Sexual Fantasies
Everything you ever needed to know about your own fantasies, and how to convey them.
How to Express Your Desires
Even for the most confident and outgoing person, expressing sexual wants can be intimidating. Here are a few tips and tricks to help it go smoothly.
Pick the right time to talk: If you try to bring it up as your partner is dashing off to work, chances are you won’t get anywhere, and you may even end up arguing about it. Introduce the topic when you’re both relaxed and don’t have any other commitments.
Be open and honest: Even if you feel embarrassed and struggle to get your words out at first, stick with it. Say what’s on your mind in straightforward terms and be clear as to whether you’re discussing desires you hope your partner can fulfill or you’re just playfully talking about fantasies you don’t necessarily want to go through with. If you’re discussing fantasies, don’t approach it too seriously—have fun with it.
Be positive: Make sure to use optimistic and constructive words so your partner doesn’t feel criticized. For example, say, “I really love it when you go down on me. That swirly movement you do with your tongue is the best! Do you think you could do that the whole time you’re down there?” Or, “You turn me on so much, I feel like having sex with you all the time. We’ve just been so busy recently and haven’t had as much time as we used to. Do you think we could try to set aside more time for sex?”
Be patient: Don’t expect your partner to accept and embrace your desires and fantasies right away. If he reacts negatively, explain that you don’t expect him to want the same thing, but that you wanted to share your thoughts and feelings. Then leave it alone for a while and try to broach the topic again a few weeks later. Or your partner might be the one to bring it up again after thinking about it for a while.
Respect your partner’s wishes: If you’ve always wanted to have sex in a public place or a threesome with two guys but your partner says there’s no way he’d ever consider it, you might simply have to accept that some of your sexual dreams can’t be fulfilled. And while fantasies like threesomes, orgies, and watching your partner have sex with someone else can be a huge turn-on, going through with them could seriously hurt your relationship. Sometimes fantasies are better left in the realm of the imagination. Why not explore them verbally with your partner while having sex? The mind is a powerful thing, and discussing your wildest imaginations can be just as satisfying as bringing them to life.
Have an open mind: Now that you’ve expressed your desires and fantasies, you have to be prepared to listen to your partner’s. You might be pleasantly surprised to hear that you’re on the same wavelength, but you could also be shocked by what your partner has to say. If so, try not to get upset or angry, and be honest about how you feel. Attempt to keep an open mind and take the time to think about what your partner has said.
Compromise: If you and your partner’s desires and fantasies diverge, try to arrive at a compromise. For example, if you like a little more variety than your partner does when it comes to sexual positions, agree to try a new position each month. Or if your partner would like to experiment with light bondage but you don’t feel comfortable being restrained with handcuffs, suggest using silk scarves.