3 Secrets to Tell Your BFF
How to deal with three sticky subjects you should talk to her about.
She’s your best friend in the whole wide world. You’ve shared laughter, tears, let-downs, and some of the happiest times of your life. She knows your deepest darkest secrets, and you know hers. You’ve been totally open about your feelings when it comes to just about everything. Behind the closeness though, there are still a few situations that you must address with caution, especially if it concerns other people she values.
Friendship is a tricky balancing act of being true to yourself and your friend, at the same time. If these people are getting in the way of your friendship, how should you deal with it? Find out what experts have to say:
1. “I hate your BOYFRIEND.”
Remember Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag from the MTV reality show “The Hills”. They used to be BFF, but along came Spencer Pratt. Spencer dates Heidi, much to Lauren’s disdain. Lauren tells Heidi not to be with Spencer. Long story short, it ended their friendship… Sometimes, you just can’t tell your friend that you don’t like her boyfriend for fear that you might hurt her feelings. But will honesty do you good?
Expert Advice: Only tell her if she asks.
According to Therapist Julie Hanks, Clinical Director of Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC, unless she specifically asks, it’s better to keep your mouth shut than risk the friendship. Your friend has fallen in love so that she can see all the good things in the guy that other people (including you) cannot. “If she’s chosen him, and you’ve chosen to remain friends with her, then nothing good comes of letting her know you just don’t like him,” says Hanks. To avoid hating the guy more, try to stay away from your friend when she’s with him. At the same time, make sure to remain her loyal confidante. Your friend will talk to you and seek your advice if she (finally!) starts feeling that the relationship may be toxic. If she does ask your advice, tell her how you feel in a very soft way. Try: “He’s not my favorite guy ever.” or “To be honest, I pictured you ending up with someone more affectionate/ambitious/generous/sensitive/insert-adjective-here.”
2. “Your HUSBAND hit on me.”
This is one of the worst experiences that can happen to BFFs. If your friend has a jerk husband who’s trying to hit on you without your friend’s knowledge, you both feel guilty and creeped out. Questions pop up in your head: What if you’re just being over-sensitive at interpreting signals? or What if you’ve really done things that tempted him? or worst, What if your friend won’t believe you and calls you a home-wrecker instead? It’s easy to think of a million ways to tell her, but you end up frustrated because you just can’t find the “perfect timing”.
Expert Advice: Do tell her.
Cheating is a very serious matter that needs to be addressed. Regardless of the possibility for tension or end of the friendship, your friend ought to know the truth. However, be careful with your words. Instead of bluntly saying that your friend’s husband is a crazy nymphomaniac, try a different intro like “Something happened that I’m really uncomfortable with, and as your friend I want you to know.”
3. “Your crazy KIDS are driving me nuts!”
You love your friend and everything about her, except her kids. Their rude manners get into your nerves and you cannot comprehend why your friend has kids like that when she’s prim and proper. When visiting your friend’s house and she leaves you in the living room with her kids to get a drink, you want to be left alone because the children are unpleasant to be around. End the torment. Should you call on the kids’ rude behaviors?
Expert Advice: Address it with empathy.
What’s the point of a close friendship if you can’t even tell your friend about her kids’ behaviors? You should tell her that her children are getting on your nerves because they have rude manners. But since your friend’s kids are dear to her, you should use empathy. Make sure you aren’t just criticizing on the kids’ behavior because of personality conflict, but are genuinely concerned about teaching the kids respect for other people. Hanks suggests something like, “I want to share my concern that when your child is here, he’s doing (the rude behavior). Mom to mom, I want to let you know, and I hope that if my child is like that at your house, you’d tell me.”