Relationships
10 Tips to Help You Find Your Soulmate
Actionable ways to help you meet your soulmate — much, much faster.
Sit down and make three lists.
My hubby taught me this trick. About six months before he met me he made a list of 10 must-have (non-physical) attributes, and that’s (partially) how he knew he’d found a good match in me. More importantly, it’s how he knew to cut the women who came before me loose.
Here are the three lists you need to make:
- First, must haves – go for the deep stuff. Can you trust him? Do you admire him? Do you respect him? Is he expressive, loving, in touch with his heart and spirituality?
- Second, make a separate list of nice to haves with this future partner. How do you act around him? What does he bring out in you? How do you feel around him?
- And finally, make a deal-breaker list. For example, if you want children and he doesn’t, then he isn’t the man for you. Don’t get involved. The sooner you find out, the better.
Wait.
Do NOT get naked with a guy until you get to know him. I had a minimum 10-date rule, but longer for guys who I still felt I didn’t really understand. Make sure your “must-haves” are present BEFORE you have sex, as getting physical will release a ton of oxytocin – the bonding hormone – and get you addicted to nearly anyone. Whether you believe you’re the one person who’s immune to the emotional power of sex or not, the cold-hard-science is that being sexual with someone changes your brain chemistry and artificially bonds you to a person. It could keep you from seeing them clearly, and it’s not worth it if it means you could waste time on someone who’s not right for you while your soulmate gets married to someone else.
Marina
Thank you for offering the advice to not sleep with someone for at least 10 dates. I used to be a “sexually liberated woman” and would sleep with a man when I felt like it. It got me in trouble because I would become emotionally attached to men that were wrong for me. I slept with my soon to be ex-husband almost right away because I felt such a powerful attraction. The sex was absolutely mindblowing and the best I had ever had. I was sucked in and fell in love immediately. He was selfish from the very beginning, but I kept overlooking his self-centeredness because I wanted it to work, and I wanted more sex. 5 years later, I am in the midst of an ugly divorce after complete betrayal and abandonment by the man that was my whole world, that I made countless sacrifices for and that I loved as deeply as a woman can love a man. I always knew that I loved him more than he loved, I knew he was selfish, and I allowed him to disrespect me from very early on in the relationship because I was hooked with the sex. He broke my heart into a million little pieces and I am struggling to put my life back together. I haven’t turned cynical and I still believe in love. I’ve now made a decision that any man I date, I will get to know for a few months before making love with him. Yes, I love sex, but I have had enough of it in my life that I am willing to sacrifice it for some time to find my soulmate and avoid more failed relationships with the wrong men. I don’t know how anyone could possibly survive heartbreak this bad more than once. I don’t know if I’ll adopt your 10 date rule, but I would need to feel confident that I know someone before having sex.
George Sumanta
You calmed my stormy heart. Thank you so much for this motivating article! I suddenly felt I owe myself a big HUG
Jeweli Prater
? So now, how do we define soulmate?! Does it necessarily mean romantic partner?! ?
Luthi Sanders
May I suggest a follow-up article, “signs that I’ve found my soulmate…”?!
Jessie Fernande
I agree with making a list but I’d make a list of characteristics I love about myself, things that generate good feelings. I might sound narcissistic, but I just believe in self love…
Reid Hooks
Soulmate, I’ve seen her and she knows how I feel about her, just waiting for her to make up her mind, on what to do next.
Angela
“If you truly are looking for love and want to find that person that you can spend the rest of your life with, remember that it is YOU who creates compatibility.”
Honey Smith
Oh well, I used to believe in soulmates and thought I had met mine. To me, he was perfect, I thought he was everything I ever wanted, and we were inseparable from the day we met. Unfortunately, he was a clinically-diagnosed psychopath…
Juli Woods
I think you should change the title. To me, the article suggests ways on finding a “romantic partner.” A soulmate doesn’t necessarily mean a romantic partner, right?! It may be a close friend…
Anila William
Relationship is a process, it is important to learn how to overcome obstacles for it to work.
Lusi Martin
Yeah, both should communicate and understand!